Losing It

On Halloween, I lost my job.  Not that my boss called me directly to tell me, or anything.  (He called my husband instead.)  I don't think I fully absorbed the loss at the time, as I was also dealing with a 24-hour bug.
The next day I showered, dress up, put on make-up (gasp!), updated my resume, and applied to jobs across town, both online and in person.  But that night, reality started crashing into my brain.

Now that I don't have my awesome job where I work from home:

• I need to be concerned with snowfall that will prevent me from being able to leave the house (and go to work) for days at a time.
• I had to cancel my doctor's appointment as an unnecessary expense (ironic, as I'd JUST gotten the courage to continue on our journey of infertility)
• If we did actually manage to produce a child/children, I can no longer stay home and take care of him/her/them.
• I no longer have my "freedom of schedule" to vacation, travel, or hang out with friends whenever I want
• I can no longer foster kittens, or at least not bottle fed babies, as I will not be able to feed them every couple hours.

In general, I'm feeling a huge loss of all of my longterm life goals.  I hadn't realized how dependent I was on that one shitty job.

I'm sure, in time, that I'll find a new path to my goals.  But for now, I'm hanging by a thread.

2 Years

Come September, we will have been trying to conceive for 2 years.  2 years!  And it sucks.
Especially since I know the problem is me and my body, so I can't even blame it on anyone else.  My body doesn't ovulate.  You need that to get babies.  Fuck!

Even worse is the moodiness that comes with struggling for a goal for so long.  While actively engaging in treatments of some sort, I am hopefully, happy, excited, etc.  But the times in between treatments are depressing, agonizing, and miserable.  They just make you want to give up on everything.
Can you guess which phase I'm in now?

This sucks.

New Direction

Now that I have a more "formal" blog (fohrman.us) I think I'm going to change the direction/goal of this blog.

I was thinking of turning this into something more ... private.  For the feelings and ideas I want to share with the world, but don't necessarily want my Grandmother reading.


Of course, I'm not even sure who reads this blog ...

Mostly Gone

Amazingly, I'm down to only 3 additional people in my house.  And they were supposed to have left yesterday morning.
I do feel rather bad for them.  They live in/around St. Louis and a tornado destroyed their airport the day after they left and their return flight home was cancelled.  After an hour on the phone with an agent, they managed to reschedule their flights for Tuesday.  But checking them tonight ... only one of the three names came up on the site, and he doesn't even have a seat.  Another phone call, and the other two got seats for late day.

I'm so annoyed with the airline system ever since September 11th.  It's frustrating that people paying for their seats get booked and bumped and struggle and struggle and struggle to get home.  In this circumstance, the act of god is uncontrollable.  But all the increased and insensitive security screenings are really too much for my conscience.  Thus, I will not be flying until these issues are resolved.
And hopefully these boys make it safely home.  Before I have to put them to work around the house (and make them start packing my stuff for my move.)

Getting Started

There are currently 10 people in my house.  And by house, I mean apartment.

Now my place is semi-large.  It's a 2 bedroom townhouse with about 1300 square feet.  But 10 is too many.
My husband is hosting visitors who are in the area for a card tournament.  And I allowed.  So I really can't complain.

However, I am a morning person.  I like to get up with the sun and ... function!  But they're sleeping downstairs.  So I'm upstairs.  And my husband is sleeping here.  So where does that leave me?  Blogging about it on the internet.  Quietly.  *sigh*

Happy Easter!